Blogs For the Voracious Reader

Read all about my life’s ups and downs. Enter the realm of my imagination. Be one with the magic that is my existence and join me in my quests. I will draw you in with my adventures, and I hope they will entertain you.

Blog 3/26/2022 : In A Day

He fought for me. He is one of things I think about daily. I love his curls; I love his kindness. He was and is younger than me, and in the past, I rarely looked twice at men younger than me. I liked him for an exceptionally long time, but I didn’t say anything because I was a tangle of emotions. I had been dating various men, trying to find the best guy to be my match. So, I never really told him how much I admired him.

We work together, and I already had a boyfriend as well as feelings for another guy. So, with trepidation and reservation, when he was transferred to my department, and asked if it was okay to sit near me, I kindly said I did not mind. I really did mind, it was still during the throes of Covid-19, and I was and am on medication that compromises my immune system.

I did not want him beside me. I really did not want anyone sitting beside me, especially a really handsome, beautiful man way too many years younger than me. It terrified me, to have him sitting beside me. I have a very distinct fear of men due to past trauma, so even if I am attracted someone, I rarely let them close to me. I would wiggle in my seat from pain, due to another condition I have already mentioned in a past post, called pudendal neuralgia, and anytime a part of my body even got close to him, I would quickly move the body part away.

He made and makes me extremely uncomfortable. He was exceedingly kind, and he seemed and seems highly intelligent. I was happy to have someone else with a degree in creative writing in the department that was near my age. He was incredibly quiet or reserved. We rarely talked to one another. But as time went on, I started to view him as a possible love interest. I do not have very much confidence in myself. I am very insecure. So, I am quite sure, that when the day to confess comes and goes, I will probably be a bubble of nerves.

I have been known to confess and turn someone down at the same time, also as mentioned in a previous post about another guy I had and still have feeling for. Luckily, I no longer have a boyfriend, but that could be an exceptionally long blog post itself, maybe something I write about some other time. I adore his skin color, his pretty eyes, and his hair is amazing. I must confess, I do have a bit of a hair fetish, who knew?

It was not until, an exceedingly challenging time in my life, that I realized I would like to confess. I will probably be heart-broken if he turns me down, but life must go on. As of this moment, I would probably run screaming in the opposite direction before confessing to another coworker. I have been scorned too many times in my life to count, but the younger me looks on from the past and is immensely proud of herself. I would never have confessed to anyone in the past, and I rarely do so even now.

He is overly sweet, I would love to look him in the eyes every day, but I am always incredibly nervous around him. I would love to distance myself. I do not like this feeling, it wriggles under my skin, making me twitch in discomfort. I will do it. I will confess. One thing, is that if nothing happens, it would be so humiliating. At any rate, I will do it. He is a fighter, and so am I.

When others are unkind, he is not, when others are a bother, he also is sometimes. But in life, what people you care about are not sometimes very aggravating? But he and the other guy at my job that I also care about, may be the reason I get published someday. They are very encouraging. So even if nothing ever comes of these affections, I will look on fondly from the future knowing that he was at one point, a constant in my life.

In a day, I went from discomfort to adoration. Life will never be the same. Love will never be the same. So fondly, I ponder the many possibilities. My feelings are impossible, but I think he is worth the possibility of humiliation and frustration. I will persevere. I will not be deterred, so I will try and if things do not work out, then life will never be the same. But I will be a published author and a happy individual wherever things lead me in my endeavors for romance.

Blog 2/7/2022: Becoming Breathless at Every Encounter with You

When times feel as if everything I do will be ripped apart, I think of you. You make me feel safe and cared for even when you are far away. The day we first met; I did not think twice about you. You were a new colleague, and I did not think much more about it beyond introducing myself and finding out that you had a nickname that you preferred, yet no one seemed to use but me. I have always wanted to be called Deborah Joy or Joy, and I absolutely hate the fact that most of our coworkers, including you, do not use it, but that is digressing from the point of this blog post.

I have been through some very awful things these past few months, but one of the highlights was that you had once been interested, and I did not realize it, and it made me feel totally moronic and hopeful. I was delighted. I was very unhappy with my life and my previous love, but I wanted to be happy for everyone but myself. I would become breathless every time I saw you. I don’t really like to show negative aspects of my life, so I don’t post on social media much, I don’t show fear, I don’t want to make others worry or feel burdened by my turmoil.

Every time I feel as if life will not get better, I envision you here, there, everywhere, beside me. This post is my confession, this secret I have been withholding for over two years. I sometimes feel like a horrible person for harboring feelings for you because I had another man who I loved and desired to be with for the rest of my life. It turns out that love was not deep, that love was saturated with angst, shame, and sadness. I was always unhappy when he was unhappy, I was always happy when he was happy.

He did not love me enough, and in retrospect, neither did I love him enough. He will always remain in my heart, but he was not enough, and I was not enough. I have always wanted my happy ending; I even want my siblings to have their happy endings, although they irritate me quite a bit. I want everyone to have their happy endings. I don’t know if you are my happy ending, but I hope you will be someday. Life is really difficult right now, but even then, if I saw your face, for just a moment I would be breathless and joyful. I was never happy in the life that I was building with my previous love. He was the first person that I thought about when I awoke, he was the last person I thought of before going to sleep, but that love is the past. And we will hopefully remain good friends.

Now, I don’t really know why I feel so giddy about the new man I want to be a part of my life. It boggles me, perplexes me how I feel these emotions without truly knowing more about you. It has always been like taking a wrench and pulling out a nail to get you to open up about yourself. I usually overshare, and through the telling of my own plights, I can usually coax information about other people from them with ease. Not to be invasive, people open up to me because they know I will not judge them on their past actions. I sooner or later, always make amends even when there are problems with others. I always feel as if it must be my fault for the way I interact with people.

I have too many awful things in the history of my life to really expect a happy ending. Things have made me feel the crowded spaces in my mind, the things I must hesitate to mention to save my own sanity. I question my reality. I question my existence. I question how people can truly be cruel sometimes. I question so much, yet I still have so few answers. My life is filled to the brim with negativity, but when I think of you, I become tipsy with the joy in my heart. I think my mom must have been psychic or another goddess of unlimited powers (like myself, hey I can be whimsical) to know that the emotion of joy would be the best name for me. I always get happy when I help other people. I really don’t know why. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really think she was psychic, yet I find myself living in a fantasy I built for myself, where no one else can enter.

I don’t like living in a delusion, yet every person I know persists the reality is different than I expect. I lived in a dream when it came to my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, I was obsessed with an illusion. He was not enough for me, and I was not enough for him. I believe even if I had tried to force my happy ending to be with him, I would not have exuded half the pleasure of encountering you. He will always be in my heart, since he was the first one, but I have moved on so fast, I feel the burn of self-reproach. Was he never the one, was he never my reincarnation to every life I will ever be born into again? No, but I think you are my alternate dimension, reincarnation I would want to be born in forever and always until the end of time.

So don’t answer if it will destroy my hope of a happy ending, maybe I really am not enough for you, but I truly desire it. But if not, I hope you do get yours. I am on this earth for the mission to heal, cure, create a space of wonder for everyone with my writing, my research, my love for humanity. Even if I am not enough, I will strive to be someday. Maybe not for you, but for someone. Someone that will not think I am abnormal, different, distorted due to the damage to my soul. I hope for more for myself and others. I will always find my small hidden corner of happiness, and I hope you can and will too. Happy Valentine’s day!